I Will Buy a New Ear

Another year has passed. I'm a little bit older, a little bit wiser, a little bit rounder, but still none the wiser.
All optimists stay up until midnight to see the new year in. All pessimists stay up to make sure the old year leaves. But both categories insist on making new year resolutions, and what is worse, insist on telling you what their resolutions are. They forget that good resolutions are simply checks that you draw on a bank where you don’t have any account.

So here’s my New Year's Resolution - to tolerate fools and fishes more gladly, provided this does not encourage them to take up more of my time! Entirely for your perverse pleasure, here is the list of my ten alternative New Year Resolutions. I considered each of them carefully before settling on the one finally selected:

1. I will answer my snail mail with the same enthusiasm with which I answer my e-mail.
2. When I hear a funny joke I will not reply: "LOL... LOL!"
3. I will balance my chequebook properly. How about balancing it on my nose?
4. I will not look at pretty girls. It’s depressing to find out exactly how many people there are who will never notice you.
5. I will not look at pretty boys either. I am neither a deviant nor a paedophile.
6. So many women, so little time. I will make more time. Only to be disappointed again.
7. I will not tell the same story at every get together. I will think of new ways to torture my few listeners.
8. I will not encourage the kids in my society to pee down from the top floor at the people passing below.
9. I will remember it isn't worthwhile wrestling with bulls - you get all muddy and the bulls just love it!
10. I will take neither myself nor any of the above seriously.